Many folks in the Kansas City area were thoughtful enough to respond to my recent column, in which I gave Bay Area readers a fair and balanced historical/culture overview of Missouri’s jewel, in advance of next Sunday’s Super Bowl. The column was reprinted in the Kansas City Star.
Here are a few highlights of love letters straight from the (geographical) heart of America:
• “What kind of a person would write trash like you put in our Kansas City Star? You are an idiot and a jackass.” (Maxine Hunter, Leavenworth KS)
I like to think of it as multi-tasking.
• “Well done a——-e.” (Matt Campbell, Kansas City)
Matt, you need a comma between “Well done” and “a——e.” Otherwise, it looks like you are calling me a “well-done a——e.” I prefer medium rare. Any meathead would know that.
• “Perhaps you should do a little more research. ... While I have a pretty good sense of humor, I didn’t find anything funny in your recent article slamming Kansas City.” (Nancy Faulkner)
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Even more deep thoughts, cheap shots & bon mots . . .
The narrative that Barry Bonds can’t get enough Hall of Fame votes because he was mean to baseball reporters is pretty funny. Although Bonds once glowered at me, and I’m still in therapy trying to recover from the psychological scars.
The truth is, Bonds deserves to be in the Hall. Not for his hitting—the PED business makes it hard to fairly evaluate Bonds’ hitting—but because baseball is the rudest sport, and Bonds should be in the Hall representing that aspect of our national pastime.
Bonds will never get enough popular votes, but he still might sneak into the HOF via the electoral college.
Faulty argument: The PED users/suspects must be in the HOF, because you can’t tell the history of the game without these guys. The HOF is not a comprehensive history of baseball, it’s a museum honoring some of the top guys. You want the history of baseball, go read some books.
If I had a HOF vote, I’d write in Mike Fiers.
Will the Astros’ mascot be Oscar the Grouch?
True fact: Levi’s Stadium was designed by HNTB Corporation, headquartered in Kansas City, Mo.
Another true fact: On the Chiefs’ helmet logo, the interlocking KC was designed by Chiefs’ owner Lamar Hunt, who copied the idea from the 49ers’ SF logo. And the 49ers probably copied the idea from the NY Yankees.
Baseball suffered a great loss last week with the death of Mr. Peanut, the long-time spokesnut for Planters Peanuts. Mr. Peanuts’ progeny have been a staple of ballpark snackage since the early days of baseball, and an essential ingredient in Cracker Jack. Cause of death was not reported, although on Twitter, CaptainObvious speculated that Mr. Peanut was “a salted.” Also unconfirmed are reports that Mr. Peanut was allergic to himself. His signature monocle, top hat and cane—which served to distract attention from the fact he never wore pants—were donated to the Legume Hall of Fame. RIP (Rest in Peanutbutter).
Nancy, I’m sending you a magnifying glass. As for “research,” I’m not sure what that is, but I’ll look it up on Wikipedia if I get time.
• “Not surprised here on your west coast sense of humor. Please stay in San Francisco or wherever your from.” (Seamus D)
Seriously? Another punctuation-mark-challenged Kansas Citian? I’m going to send you folks a crate of our finest San Francisco apostrophes. And Seamus, please say hello to your brother, Tenacious D.
• “Cute little article you got there. Sure would be a shame if someone pointed out that San Francisco is a toilet.” (Jake Christensen, via Twitter)
Don’t worry, nobody’s stupid enough to criticize a sports column by making fun of a national homeless crisis.
• “I am looking forward to seeing your Pulitzer Prize announcement. That will become old hat for you, as I am sure you will receive many of those little things.” (David Harrold, Shawnee, Kan.)
You’re right, they are little, but they make great paperweights.
• “Mark Twain is from Missouri — but I am sure you already know that.” (Diane Meyers, Shawnee, Kan.)
I know that. I read “Huckleberry Sawyer.” Did you know that when Twain left Missouri to come to San Francisco, he took all the apostrophes with him?
• “I don’t know what your real job is but your attempt at writing fell pretty flat. ... Make fun of us if you want. At least you didn’t mention our lousy public schools and the high murder rate in KC. Thanks for not going there.” (Bill Baxter, Kansas City, Mo.)
You’re welcome, Bill. The reason I didn’t mention Kansas City’s bad schools and high murder rate is that I wouldn’t want that information to get out.
Scott Ostler is a San Francisco Chronicle columnist. Email: sostler@sfchronicle.com Twitter: @scottostler
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Kansas City Chiefs’ fans hotter than BBQ sauce in defense of their city - San Francisco Chronicle
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