Dear readers,
I am on vacation this week so I am re-sharing one of most well-read Why Tho? columns of this year. This one was first published on March 14. Enjoy your final days of 2023! See you next year!
Dear Lizzy,
I’m struggling with if, and how, to tell my friend that some of her behavior is obnoxious.
She was the first friend I made when I moved to a new city, and she was very welcoming and warm. We have a ton of common interests and would hang out a lot.
Since she moved away, we see each other about once a year and talk on the phone periodically. Now, when I talk to her, I notice things that never annoyed me before but that do now. She’s pretty blunt, but in a way that’s unnecessary and sometimes unkind. She sometimes says things that she thinks are jokes but that put people down (mostly others, occasionally me). She also seems to have no idea how she comes across – she has complained to me about struggling to make friends, and I don’t know if I should tell her that it might be because of the way she talks to people.
She has a heart of gold and would do anything for someone in need (and has). I am struggling with whether I should say anything to her, because I think this is just her personality. Do I tell her my thoughts, or just let it be?
Long-Distance Friend
Dear Long-Distance Friend,
I think there are two different issues here: One is the general issue of your friend’s personality and how it might be making it hard for her to connect with other people. The other is the specific issue of how she talks to you.
On one, I would suggest you have complete authority. On the other, not as much.
You can and should tell your friend, when she makes a joke to you that you think is mean or uncool, that it is mean and uncool. Especially if that joke is about you! “Hey, that kinda hurts my feelings!” is a totally reasonable response that may stop her in her tracks and force her to consider how she is speaking to you, right then and there.
The direct and specific path is the one I would always recommend. I’ve learned through trial and error that if you want someone to change their behavior, you have to be specific and even then it might not work. You might have to just change your behavior and expectations of that person.
But, if you go general, like, “Maybe if you were nicer you’d have more friends,” well, that just comes off as an insult and is going to result in your friend getting super defensive and the conversation, and maybe friendship, shutting down completely.
This is clearly a person you care about – you say she has “a heart of gold” – so help her by telling her when she hurts your feelings. Most people don’t want to hurt a friend’s feelings but none of us can read minds. So tell her! My bet? She might not only reconsider how she talks to you but also how she talks to other people.
Good luck!
Lizzy
Have a burning question? Send me an email at lacker@oregonian.com or tweet @lizzzyacker! Or text me! For real! Text the word ADVICE to (503) 751-8731. Then click the link and subscribe to be able to text us.
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