Dear Annie: I met my husband eight years ago. When I agreed to marry him, I had a great relationship with his two kids from his previous marriage. At the time we got married, they were 7 and 4 years old.
I started noticing strange behavior from his ex-wife over the last seven years. It started with her calling the girls all the time during our weekends with them. I had to seek counseling because I didn’t really know how to handle it. At the end of the day, my counselor at the time told me to let my husband deal with it. Eventually, I figured maybe his ex-wife suffered from some sort of co-dependency, or had extreme separation anxiety from the children. I thought that maybe if I became friends with her, she would calm down a little bit and know that her children were in good hands.
I bent over backward for this woman for three full years, probably doing way more than I should have. This included putting her on my Amazon Prime membership because she didn’t have a job, purchasing a zoo membership so we could all take the kids to the zoo, even offering to take her to the airport when she needed and keeping her car for her, sending her money for school supplies -- the list goes on.
Unfortunately, I never got invited to share in any experiences with the kids during her time with them. She was the primary resident parent, and after a while of giving and feeling like you’re being a good friend and not even getting simple things in return, I really had to step away from the relationship. This included me deleting her on Facebook after my oldest stepdaughter told me her mom had cried in her lap, saying that her dad and I are happier than she is.
Since then, my life has been a living hell. My oldest stepdaughter walks out of rooms when I walk into them; she writes on poster boards a countdown of when she’s going back to her mom’s house, not to mention, I never get a text message saying “happy birthday” or “happy Mother’s Day” or anything. Lately, she hasn’t been coming over anymore, and I feel sad and guilty to say that it’s a relief, but at the same time, it’s horrible living in a home where a child doesn’t like you.
Everyone seems to say this is just par for the course with an older teenage stepdaughter, but I don’t want this friction to cause us damage to the point of no return. I have tried to talk to her. I sometimes show up to her cheer games without any acknowledgment. I am feeling very defeated, and sometimes I let negative thoughts creep into my head about this. I have been doing my best to not let it affect my marriage.
My husband and I do share one child, and I will say that’s been the only saving grace because, obviously, my little girl shows me so much love and affection, which helps numb the pain of being treated badly. Any help for a defeated stepmom? -- Blended Family Troubles
Dear Blended Family: I commend you for going above and beyond to support your stepchildren and your husband’s ex-wife. It seems like you have been extremely patient and generous with them all to little avail, which is a very difficult, painful position to be in.
There’s no playbook for how to intertwine two families, but I think you’re already doing much of what is in your power to do so. Your stepdaughter’s behavior does sound extremely normal for a teen; I imagine she’s still struggling to cope with her parents’ divorce and is unable to adequately handle these feelings. Continue to support and show up for her, and allow her to come back to you in her own time at her own pace.
I also wonder how your husband plays into the situation. Is he sticking up for you with your stepdaughter and his ex-wife? Is he trying to bridge the gap between you and them? Anything he can do to help here will go much further than you can go alone.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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Dear Annie: Teenage stepdaughter’s behavior is creating problems in blended family - MLive.com
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