Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I recently, at the age of 34 due to the BRACA gene and some other factors, had a full hysterectomy. The surgery, while long and not without a couple of complications, was ultimately successful, and my cancer risk has decreased exponentially (yay!). My issue stems from how my family reacted post-op. The original plan was to have my husband drop me off, and then my dad pick me up several hours later and take me home so my husband could manage the chaos that is our four kiddos, all under the age of 5. After coming out of anesthesia, I had a minor reaction and was desperate (a.k.a. hysterical) for my husband. The hospital called him per my wishes and we informed my parents and siblings via our text chain that plans had changed and my husband would be picking me up instead. My mother, who is in her 70’s, had an utter tantrum. She started flipping out about the meal she’d made us, which my husband offered to pick up so she wouldn’t have to drive the 45 minutes to our house, how my dad had waited around all day for me (I called my dad and apologized and he wasn’t concerned in the slightest) and how I’d fucked up everyone’s day (read: hers) by changing plans at the last minute. I apologized for changing the plan and she responded with a guilt trip—while I was still incredibly groggy from the anesthesia.
I’ve muted the family chat for now and plan to take a few days to recover before trying to figure out how to go back and have an adult conversation with her. I could use an assist on a script I can use to let her know that while I’m sorry we changed plans at the last minute, I’m not sorry for being scared or wanting my husband and really don’t appreciate the guilt trip while coming back from a very scary experience. Our past communications regarding conflict haven’t been great. My twin and my birthday is coming up in a couple weeks, and I’d rather not have this hanging over us as we celebrate.
—Still Waking Up
Dear Still Waking Up,
Your mother’s reaction was immature, selfish, and petty. Is this her usual MO, or was it out of character? Either way, it sounds like you already have a basic script for what you need to say.
Kindly let her know that you appreciate her willingness to help you out on the day of your procedure and that you regret any inconvenience that the change of plans may have caused her or your father’ however, you don’t feel that you should apologize for wanting your husband during a frightening time. Furthermore, she should hear that you were disappointed by how large her reaction was at a time when you were still recovering from a major surgical procedure. Remind her that you don’t take her time for granted and that it was not your intention to cause her any trouble or strife. Hopefully, enough time has passed for her to see the problem with how she spoke to you and she’ll apologize. If she doesn’t, let her know that you want to put this issue behind you, and perhaps think twice about involving her in situations that will be high stress for you in the future.
Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life?
Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a mom to a very active 3-year-old. I work part-time while caring for him; I work during his naps and twice a week, I drive an hour each way to my in-laws house and they watch him so I can work full days. The problem is the drives. I don’t mind how long they are (I grew up in an area where 30-45 minutes to the grocery store was common); it’s the conversation with my toddler that’s the problem. Until recently, this time was a mini-sanctuary; I could listen to podcasts and kind of relax while he chatted/played to himself or napped. But now, my kid wants to talk! He says nothing in particular, more like “Look, it’s a bus!” or he does something silly. I find myself resentful for the time to myself that I used to have. Should I tell him to play by himself? Give in and give him a tablet during these drives? Begrudgingly accept my new, podcast-less fate? Or something else? I’m otherwise a very engaged parent and love talking to him, but I really miss this time to myself!
—Podcastless Parent Pity
Dear Podcastless Parent,
There is nothing wrong with giving your child a tablet or a toy to occupy himself during these drives. You deserve a break to zone out a bit and enjoy a podcast. That doesn’t mean that these will be completely silent rides; even with a distraction, your son will likely call out to you here and there, and you’ll need to engage him when he does. But if you give him something to do that will hold his attention, you can likely go back to having the sort of rides that you liked. Get him a tablet with kid-safe headphones and let him watch a show or play games. You don’t have to give him screentime on every drive; purchase a kids’ travel tray where he can color and a busy board that will keep him occupied. There’s no way to guarantee that you’ll get through a whole podcast uninterrupted, but at the very least, you can have most of his attention focused elsewhere during these long rides.
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!
Dear Care and Feeding,
Classic high school dilemma: My 17-year-old son “Andrew” and three good friends bought tickets for a concert on a Wednesday night downtown. He left the house planning on driving his friends in his beloved tiny old manual Japanese hatchback. His friends insulted his car and insisted on taking the car of “Zeke,” which is an even older Benz. Zeke refused both to drive his own car and my son’s repeated offer to take them in his jalopy. Andrew finally resolved the issue by agreeing to drive the Benz, and of course got into a minor fender bender, in part because of the heavier car’s longer braking distance. Zeke’s father “Chris” is furious but spoke with me respectfully. He is looking for me to contribute to the cost of damage to the other vehicle ($5k). He wants to do it without insurance; Zeke is not even on his own insurance policy. Andrew is hard on himself and wants to contribute because he is extremely worried about social retribution from the other three friends. I’m willing to contribute something because of his mistake in agreeing to drive the car, and out of respect for my son’s wishes. If it matters, Andrew is adventurous, a considerate friend, and extremely responsible. How much responsibility should we accept, and what advice should I give my son?
—Box, Box, Box
Dear Box,
I don’t know if you and Zeke’s dad agreed on how much each party should pay, but I think it would be fair to split the cost down the middle between both families. Andrew is the one who got in the actual accident, but it would probably not have happened had Zeke been willing to drive his own car, or to ride in Andrew’s. Depending on whether or not Andrew has a job, you may need to pay Chris the money upfront and allow your son to pay you back. Considering that Andrew is typically responsible and that $2500 is a lot for a kid to come up with, you may consider covering half of your family’s portion of the repairs and allowing him to contribute the other $1250. In terms of social retribution, remind Andrew that Zeke is equally responsible for what took place and that he shouldn’t be made to feel as though this was his fault entirely. If his friends are giving him a hard time about this, he may want to give those relationships some serious reconsideration.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My boyfriend, “Zane,” wants me to come to Thanksgiving with his family. Some background: We had a break-up back in June. It was particularly painful because we had booked a wedding venue and were getting engaged. My boyfriend hadn’t officially asked me to marry him yet because he wanted it to be “special,” but knew if we wanted the particular venue we had been eyeing we had to book immediately. Zane later informed me that he hadn’t actually decided if he wanted to marry me or not and that he needed to go off on a mini-vacation on his own to figure it out. Unfortunately, I didn’t take this well and cried hysterically. Predictably, he came back from vacation and broke up with me. However, he still wanted to see me and be part of my life since he claimed he still loved me and felt a strong connection. I told him I wanted a clean break unless we were actually trying to work things out. He agreed and we got back together in mid-August and are trying to seriously make things work.
However, Zane hasn’t told anyone except his mom that we’re back together, and he only just recently told her because she noticed he had a car seat for my toddler. Furthermore, he confessed that he is hesitant to tell his sisters, whom he is very close to, and his friends, because when we broke up he told them I had “mental and emotional health issues,” and to “stop him” if he tried to get back with me. I believe he misrepresented me. Furthermore, Zane shared with them some very personal information about my background such as childhood abuse leading to CPS involvement, and details on a physically abusive relationship with my child’s father. I am not ashamed of my past, but it wasn’t something I wanted to share with everyone.
I am worried that Zane’s comments and the details of my background will completely color how his family sees me from now on. I don’t have close family connections and generally spend holidays alone. So, it would be nice for my toddler and me not to be alone for this Thanksgiving but wouldn’t it be awkward showing up if his family doesn’t know we’re together? Zane says they will find out on Thanksgiving, no one will care, and that I’m overthinking everything. Am I overthinking this? Should I go since his mom is expecting me even if no one else knows?
—The Unexpected Thanksgiving Guest
Dear Thanksgiving Guest,
You wouldn’t be the first surprise girlfriend or boyfriend to show up for a family gathering, and it probably wouldn’t be a huge deal for him to show up with you unexpectedly. However, what gives me pause (well, one of the things that gives me pause) is Zeke’s unwillingness to tell his sisters that you all are back together. He went out of his way to say potentially damning things about you to them, going so far as to instruct him not to get back with you. I’m wondering why he doesn’t have the confidence to tell them in advance that he did exactly that. It’s as if he’s hoping that meeting you will be enough to undo the things he’s said about you—and that could totally happen!—but if he’s secure in his choice, he should let them know ahead of time.
I can’t help but be concerned about the state of this relationship and the position that you’re in with Zeke. He’s put you through a lot. First, the fake-out almost engagement: There was no reason for him to book a wedding venue if he wasn’t sure that he wanted to marry you in the first place. Then, he broke up with you. Finally, he told his family about some deeply challenging parts of your life as though they were character flaws. Frankly, I think Thanksgiving should be the least of your worries. You and your little one can go and have a great time, but what’s more important is that you are sure of this man’s intentions toward you and that he really values you in the way you need to be valued. Will your past issues be reason enough for him to never marry you? If you all are going to be in this for the long haul, I think you need some assurance of his commitment to you. Ask him straight out if he sees the relationship becoming a marriage. Ask him exactly why he’s so afraid of talking to his sisters about you when he’s willing to introduce you to them at Thanksgiving. What were the issues that caused him to break up with you this summer, and have they been resolved? Make sure that Zeke is as serious about you as you are about him, and base your attendance at dinner on that.
—Jamilah
More Advice From Slate
I love our babysitter but not the nickname she’s given my daughter. My child is 2 and doesn’t speak in clear sentences yet. My babysitter passingly joked that she calls my daughter “the Chinaman” because of how she speaks. I can pass as white, but I’ve referenced visiting family in our country of origin. For obvious reasons I am really upset by this nickname. How do I tell her to knock it off?
"behavior" - Google News
November 11, 2023 at 05:19AM
https://ift.tt/JdClfuH
Parenting advice: I'm furious at my mother for her absurd behavior after my surgery. - Slate
"behavior" - Google News
https://ift.tt/2pfRWiK
Bagikan Berita Ini
0 Response to "Parenting advice: I'm furious at my mother for her absurd behavior after my surgery. - Slate"
Post a Comment