Dear Amy: I am writing to you because I have hit a stalemate with my relationship with my mother.
We were always politely distant, but now that my father has died, the distance between my mother and me has grown.
For the past few years I have sent her flowers on the anniversary of my father’s passing. In return I receive a polite email “thank you,” as if she is speaking to a neighbor and not to her daughter.
She does not call or email unless it is to share news about someone who is ill or who has passed away.
I have always found her verbal and emotional behavior to be “self-indulgent.” She always speaks in terms of herself and what happens to her.
She shows little awareness or empathy to others.
I believe this behavior is “narcissistic” and I am so tired of trying to communicate or create an understanding between us.
I’m wondering if you have any suggestions.
– Exhausted Daughter
Dear Exhausted: Your mother’s behavior might seem narcissistic, but you could consider alternative explanations and perhaps gain insight into your lifelong “politely distant” relationship if you consider what might be behind her behavior.
You might do some research on Asperger’s Syndrome, to see if your mother has some of the characteristics of a person whose brain doesn’t necessarily process information and emotions the way yours does.
I’m not suggesting that you attempt to diagnose your mother, but – based on your description, her behavior when she attempts to connect or respond to you is outside of the norm.
Learning about neurodivergence could lead you to understand your mother’s reactions to you in a new way, which might change your interpretation and expectations when it comes to her.
Or not.
Consultations with a compassionate therapist would help you to untangle your relationship history with both of your parents. If your goal is to find effective ways to cope with your frustration, therapy would help to lead you there.
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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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