As we navigate our daily business and personal relationships, we often discover that many people talk too much. We may not like to admit that. It isn’t difficult, however, to find both colleagues and others who will support that statement.
A number of good reasons exist for that behavior including one’s knowledge of topic, history of development, or background of relationships. There also can be a desire to control a conversation with the objective to persuade. Problems arise, however, when multiple parties compete to state their positions.
Competing to position your viewpoint in a discussion and persuade others is a challenge. There are a number of choices for achieving the objective. I thought about this recently when I observed a heated discussion at a meeting I attended. The discussion came to an end without reaching closure when someone finally called a "time out."
Here’s what happened:
One of the participants wouldn’t stop talking. He made his point early in the discussion. Then he made it again, and again, and again. He neglected any opportunity to view and evaluate information offered by others. He talked. He didn’t listen. He didn’t give others equal opportunity.
When the other participants attempted to defend a different position, he interrupted and talked over them.
All the participants were of approximately the same stature, age, and experience, but this individual set out to overpower his competition. The conversation should have been one among equals and conducted with respect.
Rather than focusing on content and logic to make his point, this "verbal bully" used volume and speed to dominate.
The result was many of the others ultimately gave in rather than compete with him. There really was no persuasion or intellectual debate. This dominant talker had achieved his objective in shutting down the conversation.
Here’s a completely different example of persuasion through behavior, although this time the outcome of the behavior was unintentional. This person worked through silence rather than volume. It was equally effective.
I visited a friend, Charlie, at his office one evening. He had told me he usually stayed late, so I took the opportunity to visit my friend at the end of my workday to catch up on what was happening in his world. I was curious why he chose to work so late. He told me he liked to stay late to review his email, make a few calls, read the paper, and catch up with the news. He enjoyed the peace and quiet of the office.
"I like the quiet times, and I get a lot done when there is no one else in the office." He observed, though, that most of his staff also stayed late.
On subsequent visits with Charlie, I had the opportunity to talk to some of his staff. I learned they weren’t staying late because they were super dedicated to the job. Charlie’s office was next to the main exit doors. He could see them leaving. They didn’t want him thinking they weren’t committed to putting in a good day’s work.
When I told Charlie what I had learned, he was surprised. His habit influenced his staff in a way he never intended. To address this concern, Charlie changed his routine. At the company’s end of workday, Charlie waved to everyone as he exited the doors, leaving the office. He discovered that it wasn’t long after his departure, his staff did exactly the same thing.
Then about an hour later, after savoring his favorite coffee at the local coffee shop, Charlie would return to the empty office to enjoy his late evening activities.
Charlie had never suggested nor expected his staff to stay as late as he did. He simply elected to stay late because it fit his lifestyle. It never dawned on him his behavior had such an effect on everyone else.
So in retrospect, it might be a good idea for each of us to carefully examine our own interactions with the people we encounter everyday. How does what we do impact others?
Siesta Key resident, J. Robert Parkinson, who has a doctorate in communications from Syracuse University, is an author, speaker, executive communication coach and consultant to companies throughout the U.S. and abroad. He's written numerous books, including "Becoming a Successful Manager" (McGraw-Hill). "Be as Good as You Think You Are" (Motivational Press) and "Never Kick a Kangaroo" (Authors Place Press) were written with his wife, Eileen. Contact him at joropa@northwestern.edu.
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August 01, 2020 at 01:46AM
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PARKINSON: Persuasion through behavior, not verbal bullying - Sarasota Herald-Tribune
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