- Logan Ury is a behavior researcher who works with the dating app Hinge.
- She created a checklist of eight questions for singles to ask themselves after dates. They focus on how the person made you feel.
- Many daters first focus on superficial traits which can distract from long-term compatibility signs, according to Ury.
Creating a checklist for your perfect partner is an easy way to self-sabotage your dating life, some experts say. But behavior scientist Logan Ury says there's one exception where a dating checklist could come in handy.
Ury, who conducts research for dating app Hinge, created a checklist of eight questions for singles to ask themselves following a date. The questions, which she shared in an Instagram post, focus on the ways the other person made you feel, rather than appearance- or identity-based factors. Questions include, "How did my body feel during the date?" and "Did I feel heard?"
A post shared by Logan Ury (@loganury)
According to Ury, focusing on how you feel during a date can help you stay present and get more out of the experience. When Ury, who runs a dating coach service, would ask clients how they felt after a first date, she noticed most couldn't answer, since they were focused on if their date checked off all of their boxes.
"This is really a self-awareness tool that helps people see consistent patterns and then ask, 'How can I run some experiments to do things differently?'" Ury said.
She said she encourages singles to "date like a scientist" so they can challenge long-held assumptions, behaviors, and blind spots that could be setting them back. If, for example, you notice you're constantly feeling unenergized after first dates, it could be a sign you need to start a pre-date ritual or switch up your existing one, Ury said.
A frustrated dater used Ury's checklist, found love, and got engaged
Ury first came up with the idea for her "post-date eight" in 2019 when one of her clients complained of his string of unsatisfying first dates, she told Insider. She outlined how to use the checklist in her book "How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love."
Her client, Jonathan, would become disappointed when a first date didn't meet the criteria in his head for the "perfect" man. When she learned more about Jonathan's dates, Ury realized he was paying attention to superficial qualities instead of compatibility signs, so she created a way to change his thinking about an ideal long-term partner.
When Jonathan started keeping these questions in mind, he had more successful dates.
"He began agreeing to second dates with guys who weren't as impressive on paper but made him feel optimistic, attractive, and relaxed. He was able to more quickly reject guys who had impressive backgrounds but left him feeling cold," Ury said in her newsletter. She told Insider that Jonathan has since gotten engaged to someone he met on a dating app.
According to Ury, her checklist is best suited for any person dating who wants to get better at tuning into how they feel about someone. It's also a great tool for anyone who feels disappointed by dating apps, since it can lead to a mindset switch, Ury said.
To use it, save the list to your phone and pull it out when you get in an Uber home after your date, said Ury. Go through each question in your head, and repeat until it becomes a habit. Over time, you'll start to think about these questions while you're on dates, Ury said.
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December 14, 2022 at 08:00AM
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A Behavior Scientist Shares 8 Questions to Ask Yourself After a Date - Insider
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