Whining. Disrespect. A snarky attitude. Not listening. The list goes on. Sometimes it’s hard to understand where a child’s behavior is coming from.
It often develops in a cause-and-effect relationship with parents or caregivers. The cause is children’s behavior; the effect is the parents’ response. If this response is consistent, children soon learn, “If I do X, then Y will happen.” If Y is something the children desire, then they will continue to do X to get what they want. However, if Y is not what they desire, they will soon stop doing X.
Let’s use the classic example of a whining child. Child whines and parents do one of two things: give the child what he wants or say, “Stop whining,” “Use your big boy voice” or “I can’t hear you when you talk like that.”
Either way, child gets a desired outcome: parents’ attention. What if parents don’t respond at all? Child whines and parents keep doing what they were doing or act like they didn’t hear child. That may sound a little harsh at first, yet hear me out.
Child may get confused. Whining has always worked in the past — why isn’t Mom or Dad responding? So child may whine harder and louder. But you, the parents, are committed and won’t be broken. The whining is hard on your ears and has an impact on your relationship with your child, since you end up frequently frustrated. But you stay calm and move on to something else.
Then, suddenly, at some point, child asks for attention using a clear, kind and normal voice. What do you do? You drop everything and give child attention immediately. “Ah,” thinks child, “this is what I want — Mom or Dad.”
If that pattern continues, child will soon learn that using a regular voice will gets the desired effect. To confirm this, you may note that child does not whine at school, because the teacher does not respond to the whining. Child knows the strategy of whining to get attention works only with parents.
This is what it’s about: Behaviors are strategies we all use to get our needs met. As psychologist Alfred Adler put it, behaviors develop as a result of how we are responded to by others in our world. As a child these “others” are typically our parents or immediate caregivers.
Psychologist Amy Lew described it like this: As a child born into a family, it’s as if we are born onto a stage and we are trying to figure out our role in the play without a script. We look to the other actors to determine our lines. We wonder if we are an understudy or if we are in the spotlight. We determine our role based on how we are responded to, our relationship with the other actors and how we feel the others think about us.
Behaviors are thus directed by the goal of getting certain needs met. If we can achieve this goal we feel capable. We feel good that we can do something that takes care of our needs. We have a positive outlook about ourselves. If we can’t achieve our goal of meeting these needs we may become discouraged. This is where misbehavior can emerge as children use other means to meet their goal.
What are these needs, the goals children are trying to achieve? Many describe them using different words, but they all boil down to the same thing. Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner’s write of the Crucial C’s: All human beings “strive to fulfill their needs to be connected to others, to be capable of a degree of independence, to count as a member of the family and the community, and to find the courage to meet life’s demands and seize its opportunities.”
Connected: We all need to feel that we are loved and accepted for who we are, that we are safe and secure and that we belong. This is not just a psychological need; it is also a physical need. As a young child we cannot survive unless we are connected to a capable adult. As children we will try different ways to relate to others and find the connection we need. These strategies become part of our behavior.
Capable: We all need to believe we are competent human beings, capable of taking care of ourselves and the world around us. We need to feel that we have efficacy — that we can enact change, meet our goals and create a desired result. As children we have an innate desire to strive for independence. The strategies we use to move toward becoming a capable and independent adult become part of our behavior.
Count: We all need to know that we are significant, that we are valued and that we matter. We need others around us to notice that we make a difference. As children, the attempts we make to feel valued, and whether or not we feel like we count to those around us, will impact our behavior.
Courage: We all need to feel that we can overcome challenges, that we have the courage to get up from a fall, that we can solve problems and, at times, tackle things we don’t necessarily enjoy. Life is filled with challenge and risk, trial and error. Whether we have the courage in ourselves and the belief of others in our abilities plays a role in how we behave.
Yes, there are other factors that impact our children’s behaviors: genetics, brain development, feeling tired or stressed, societal impacts. But we are social beings developing in a social context, and we cannot separate our development from our relationships with those around us.
So whether you are raising toddlers or teens, start thinking about the cause and the effect of your interactions with them. Does how you respond bring about a desired effect or behavior? If not, how can you switch things up?
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February 24, 2021 at 06:30PM
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Behavior develops according to the 'Crucial Cs' | Columnists | jhnewsandguide.com - Jackson Hole News&Guide
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