A need for external validation (people-pleasing) is learned early in our lives, often when unrealistic expectations and a need to be “perfect” outweighed any authenticity or emotional connection.
Growing up in this type of environment conditions a child to become hyper-observant in learning micro-behaviors – in assessing for the slightest differences in expression or nuances in their parents’ approval or disapproval.
These micro-behaviors become the gauge for how people-pleasing is learned. Behind the scenes, what is being taught is a toxic combination of intermittent positive and negative reinforcement; the child learns that they receive praise for making others happy, so the bar is raised in continuing to please others. On the flip-side, if they are seen as imperfect and scolded or shown indifference, the child tries harder to please, which can negatively reinforce this type of traumatic bond of people-pleasing.
As children, we turn to our caregivers to validate our sense of direction and self-advocacy. This is how children learn to navigate the world and eventually build a solid self-identity. Yet, when a child’s reality is denied or dismissed, it can result in that child growing up feeling unsure of who they are, unable to advocate for themselves, and completely dependent on others for a sense of validation.
Invalidating or abusive environments in our childhood can be internalized as negative self-beliefs that wind up limiting our ability to trust in ourselves. The result is that we develop a mindset that to be “perfect” we need to turn to others for approval and validation.
Adults with a history of people-pleasing behavior are more vulnerable to being manipulated in narcissistic relationships. Many have wrongly learned that to feel valid and worthy, they must be seen as perfect and must put everyone else before their own needs where they wind up victimizing themselves. Instead of showing anger for feeling manipulated or taken advantage of, many people-pleasers turn their anger and resentment inward at themselves.
Many who identity as being stuck in a pattern of seeking external validation also struggle with depression, fears of abandonment, and a “fawning” response (Walker, 2014) which may include the use of flattery, being overly helpful or accommodating and having a lack of personal boundaries.
How People-Pleasing Behavior Can Affect A Person
Over time, constant people-pleasing behavior negatively affects many areas of a person’s life including:
- Deep sense of guilt and shame
- Negative impact on self-worth and self-esteem
- Questioning who they “are” outside of seeking approval from others
- Difficulty to manage relationships, tasks, or duties because of over-obligation
- Inability to make decisions on their own (developing a “freeze” trauma response)
- Having their boundaries constantly overstepped, or an inability to create healthy boundaries
Stopping the Pattern
Stopping a pattern of seeking external validation can be challenging, often because it’s deeply ingrained and because those who have histories of people-pleasing struggle with seeing their value and worth outside of others' opinions.
Suggestions include: increasing your sense of self-discovery and learning who you are outside of others. Recognize when you are turning to others for advice, approval, or out of habit. Become more in tune with the motivations behind people-pleasing behavior and whether it’s based on a low sense of self-worth, a fear of rejection, or an inability to trust yourself in making healthy choices. Seek out a therapist who can support you in unpacking your needs and who can facilitate your empowerment through self-discovery.
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August 13, 2022 at 08:05PM
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How People-Pleasing Behavior Affects Self-Worth - Psychology Today
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