By the Rev. Dr. Alexander Riegel
Q: I have reached a real point of frustration with my teenager. We have lots of what I think are good mother-daughter conversations about her life. We often seem to be on the same page about the things we discuss, like her behaviors when she is with her friends and taking responsibility for her studies. Yet, she continues to behave irresponsibly and does not manage her studies very well. It’s almost as if we never talk at all. What can I do to bring her behavior in line with our conversations? Is the problem me or her?
A: I have good news and less good news for you, but no “bad news.” The good news is that the problem is neither you nor her, if you manage to have what seem like meaningful mother-daughter conversations. So, take a breath and go easy on yourself — and her.
The less good news is your daughter’s developing brain — specifically, its underdeveloped neurological structure. Not only teenagers, but most children past the age of 5 or 6 can engage in reasonably rational conversations with their parents. It is a rare child (or in your case teenager) whose behavior also is brought into line with those rational conversations. This has everything to do with underdeveloped neurological structures in the developing brain.
For your daughter (or any child/teenager) to bring her behavior into line with those meaningful mother-daughter conversations requires the executive function of the brain’s prefrontal cortex. It is the executive function of the prefrontal cortex that allows an individual to observe and alter her behavior in accordance with rational thought. In simplest terms, region A of the brain does not have the requisite development or connectivity necessary to communicate effectively with region B of the brain. Hence, even though your daughter can participate in a rational conversation with you, the more developed emotive and impulsive areas of the brain will sometimes, maybe even often, override her ability to act on that rational understanding. This is neither your fault nor hers and will change with time. There is a tremendous difference between a 15-year-old brain and a 25-year-old brain, when the average brain is finished developing.
What you can do in the meantime is strategize with your daughter about ways you can alter her environment to help compensate for her brain’s underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. That is, rely less on rational conversations and more on helping your daughter organize her life. That might include becoming the home where she and her friends hang out more often, which makes it much easier for you to monitor her and her friends’ activity, to introducing personal organizational tools that are easy to access and use.
In the end, the important thing to remember is that parents are not rearing children who have fully developed, autonomous, rational beings inside of them. Parents are rearing children whose brain development remains fluid until around age 25. In other words, parents are engaged with the neurology of the brain, which necessitates different parenting strategies at different ages. Along these lines, I recommend the following two books by Dr. Dan Siegel: “The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are,” and, “The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive.”
The Rev. Dr. Alexander Riegel is minister of Grosse Pointe Unitarian Church. He has Masters of Divinity and Masters of Theological Studies degrees from Harvard Divinity School, as well as Doctorate of Ministry degree from Andover-Newton Theological School. He can be reached at alexgpuc@gmail.com.
The Family Center is a nonprofit organization that provides resources and preventive education to empower families to successfully navigate life’s social, emotional and physical challenges. The Family Center is completely supported by community donations. To learn more, visit familycenterweb.org, call (313) 447-1374 or email info@familycenterweb.org.
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Ask the Experts: When behaviors don't line up with expectations - Grosse Pointe News (subscription)
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